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Lives of the Ex-Haredim

"Wherefore art thou Romeo?" Juliet calls out in pristine Yiddish from the heights of her fire escape.  Melissa (Malky) Weisz, who plays Juliet in the recent film Romeo & Juliet in Yiddish, probably asked the same question in a more vernacular Yiddish—and with very different expectations—when, in her earlier life, she scoped possible mates from the heights of the women's section in the back of her Satmar synagogue.  

Relevant Links
Self-Fulfilling Prophecies  Samuel Katz, Unpious. The comfortable community that ex-Hasidim create often impedes their integration into secular society.
Off the Path  Miriam Shaviv, Jewish Chronicle. Dropouts from Orthodoxy are growing in number, but many of them never leave completely; in this there may be a peculiar sign of hope.
A Whole New World  Haviv Rettig, Jerusalem Post. Young ex-Haredim discover that their education has not prepared them for the secular workplace.  A volunteer-based organization helps them catch up.

Nearly all of the actors in this unpolished but charming film are dropouts from the Hasidic world.  Few had heard of Shakespeare, none had read any of his plays, and such was the cultural gap that for the life of them, they couldn't understand why derailed romantic love would drive one to suicide.  The personal lives of these actors are integrated into the film's narrative, and it's these back-stories that most intrigued critics and audiences.  But looming behind the back-story is a still larger and important future-story. 

With few exceptions, the men and women who now leave their Haredi communities (the term "Haredi" encompasses both Hasidic and non-Hasidic "Yeshivish" Jews), leave the Jewish world entirely.  As a result, that world is losing an invaluable resource that, with its own numbers falling, it can hardly afford to squander.   

The figures are startling but critical.  Demographers predict that by 2050, the majority of Jews in the United States will be Haredim.  Lest this seem implausible, the fact is that in the U.S., outside the Orthodox world, Jews have the lowest population growth of any ethnic group, while  Haredim, who number around 500,000, have the largest families in the country, typically with seven or more children.  The phenomenon is a worldwide one: in the UK, three of every four Jewish children are now born to Haredi parents.  In Israel, the proportionate explosion of Haredim and its political and social ramifications have given rise to intense discussion and disquiet.  Of course, all demographic forecasts begin with the usual caveat: "if present trends continue."  But in any likely scenario, the future of American Jewry (our present concern) must take into account the growing number of Haredi Jews—as well as, for different reasons, the attendant number of those leaving the fold. 

How many ex-Haredim are there?  Numbers are hard to come by, and no one knows for sure.  Some suggest that, what with the phenomenon of baalei tshuvah (Jews voluntarily adopting Orthodox practice), as many enter as exit the religious community—thus a demographic wash.  In any case, though their ranks do seem to be expanding fairly quickly, the number of recent Haredi dropouts is not huge: a ballpark figure would be in the hundreds, maybe a couple of thousand over the past decade—not in the tens of thousands.  Ex-Haredim are mostly men, in their late teens and early twenties, though increasingly women are joining their ranks, as are older adults with children and former spouses still in their religious environs.  While some are gay, or have abusive parents they are escaping, psychological problems, or learning disabilities, most are intelligent, stable, marriageable, and would have managed in their traditional world.  

What is true for nearly all of these defectors is that they want no part of established Jewish life, and the place you're least likely to find them is an American synagogue. For one thing, ex-Haredim, however alienated, usually see their past religious life as far richer than the more liberal versions of Judaism on offer, and are put off by the surprising (to them) Jewish illiteracy of congregants elsewhere.  They are baffled by (and justly cynical of) the ubiquitous mission statements of Jewish organizations proclaiming that "Jewish values" find their highest expression in "social justice."  There is no attraction here, either. 

But it turns out that becoming "just an ordinary unaffiliated person" is not as easy as many of these ex-Haredim imagine or hope.  Many possess only rudimentary secular knowledge and communication skills.  Further, coming as they do from extraordinarily sustaining communities, making it on one's own invariably proves an intimidating challenge.  And so we see the emergence of yet another new and distinctively American invention: the society of ex-Haredim.

In New York City, men and women, some with both feet still in the Haredi community, some with both feet out, and not a few with one foot on either side of the divide, meet every Thursday night at Chulent.  That organization offers a jamboree of lectures, discussion, and partying  (where the eponymous Sabbath stew is served).  Another organization, Footsteps, is more clearly designed for those transitioning out of the ultra-Orthodox world.  In addition to social opportunities, Footsteps offers a high-school equivalency program (many Hasidic boys can't read English beyond third-grade level), an art group, college scholarships and career counseling, a housing program, dating advice, and other services for those who've decided to leave their religious families. 

One of the most innovative settings in which ex-Haredim meet is cyberspace. On the Unpious website, ex-Haredim and potential ex-Haredim exchange their stories, aspirations, tribulations, and literary exercises, some under their own names and some under pseudonymous cover.  One fervid debate on the website is the very existence of ex-Haredi support groups. As a former Satmar Hasid, now a college sophomore, wrote, "the more we rebels grow as a community, the more we reinforce our own little echo chamber that stifles our progress as individuals . . . . When I look at those who successfully transitioned from Hasidic culture to the secular one, it is primarily those who never embraced the ex-Hasidic label and the identity that comes with it."  Others responded that without a coterie of like-minded Haredi expats to lean on, they'd never be able to succeed on their flight to the "outside world." 

Again, it is conspicuous how even in discussions of the voyage to the "outside world," Haredim skip over more liberal Jewish denominations and land immediately in secularism.  But the reticence of ex-Haredim to participate in the Jewish community is matched by the reticence of many Jews to make them feel at home there.  Haredim, whether present or ex-, make them nervous.  And Jews who seek to reinvigorate their own Judaism with traditional practice are discomfited by the presence of those who've rejected that very tradition.         

Some former Haredim are already making a valuable and distinct contribution to the Jewish enterprise, as scholars of Jewish studies, psychologists serving the Jewish community, writers, and professionals. Unfortunately, too many others are not.  By the same token, non-Haredi Jews are losing much by declining to invite ex-Haredim into their midst.  The loss may not be of Shakespearean dimensions, but it is significant nevertheless.

Joshua Halberstam teaches at Bronx Community College/CUNY and is the author of the novel A Seat at the Table. He's been awarded a 2010-2011 NEA grant to translate Hasidic tales from their original Yiddish.

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Mordechai on August 2, 2011 at 10:26 am (Reply)
Given your comment about how "numbers are hard to come by," why the blanket statement that "What is true for nearly all of these defectors is that they want no part of established Jewish life, and the place you're least likely to find them is an American synagogue."? Anecdotally, my experience suggests otherwise, but it doesn't sound like you have anything other than anecdotal evidence for your claim about their aversion to American synagogues (as if American synagogues offer only one type of experience).
Marvin Schick on August 2, 2011 at 10:59 am (Reply)
Joshua Halberstam is correct that the abandonment of Orthodoxy is a significant phenomenon. However, he is wildly off the mark in writing that the U.S. Charedim now number around 500,000. Demographers agree that the U.S. Orthodox amount to somewhere between 600,000-800,000, with the higher figure being disputed by many. My census of yeshiva and day school population in the U.S. indicates that enrollment in Charedi schools is below 150,000. It needs also to be kept in mind that there are factors other than religious abandonment that reduce the rate of Charedi population growth. These include the singles phenomenon which is fairly pronounced in the yeshiva world sector, childlessness among married couples, Aliyah to Israel and persons who were raised Charedi remaining Orthodox but becoming more modern in their orientation.

Marvin Schick
Moshe Waldoks on August 2, 2011 at 1:17 pm (Reply)
Ober gor ober gornisht!
Jane on August 2, 2011 at 4:28 pm (Reply)
While the subject is interesting, I couldn't really get past this sentence "While some are gay, or have abusive parents they are escaping, psychological problems, or learning disabilities, most are intelligent, stable, marriageable, and would have managed in their traditional world." Really? You're equating being gay with being unintelligent, unstable, unmarriageable? For the record, I'm straight, and as any human being should (and I hope would), I'm flabbergasted at that sentence -- and at the fact that the good editors at Jewish Ideas Daily apparently didn't catch this atrocious parallel.
Vicious Babushka on August 2, 2011 at 6:12 pm (Reply)
This article is full of contradictions. He says "numbers are hard to come by" and "nobody knows for sure" and then makes a guesstimate of "several hundred, maybe a few thousand over the past decade," and then he says "Haredim have the largest families among the Jewish population, seven or more children." So the number "lost" is replaced by natural increase and the overall population is really not affected by the dropout rate. Of course every soul is precious and families should never reject their children, but this writer sounds disappointed that so few are leaving the fold.
Hershl on August 2, 2011 at 7:09 pm (Reply)
As an ex-frumik I can attest that many of these people leave because, frankly, there is no room for the individual in the frum communities that we came from.

As a gay man I was told that if I would only learn more gemora that I would be released from being gay.

I learned a lot of gemora but I am still as gay as Christmas.

I am also in a 25+ year committed relationship with another man, an ex-Lutheran. This has brought me more nakhes than anything I ever experienced with the frumme yidn.

I thank hashem daily that he delivered me from his self-appointed representatives.

And as far as non-frum Yiddishkayt, it's revealed as the spiritual equivalent of junk food once you have become Torah literate.
Shlomo on August 3, 2011 at 3:28 pm (Reply)
@Jane, Homosexuality is not accepted in the Haredi world and is thought to be a choice and a condition that can be corrected. As such, I believe what the author is saying is that it is equally burdensome to be gay in the Haredi world as it is to have the other issues he lists in the same sentence. I don't read the sentence as equating being gay with having psychological problems, learning disabilities, etc.
Sloanrivalka Sloane on August 6, 2011 at 6:15 pm (Reply)
In the previous submission I referred to the Hasidic world making an unfounded prediction on the numbers of them that might be America in les etats-unis in a few decades hence. Actually was trying to refer to the Haredic world as it as a new thought to me and misread Haredic to be Hasidic which had run into as a category elsewhere previously. Am sorry if mislead or made a nuisance of words used to the unsuspecting.
-anon., s'il Hashem
Sloanrivalka Sloane on August 6, 2011 at 6:26 pm (Reply)
Is it not confusing that Haredic can also be variantly spelled as Charedic and Haredic can refer to Hasidic as well as Haredic which is distinct from Hasidic. It is a juggernaut to try to sort out perhaps.
In a previous comment that submitted thought had made an error in referring to Hasidic as Haredic in terms of numbers of Jews in les etats-unis thought to be a majority of Jewry in les etats-unis by 2050 as noted in the comments that was referring to so am sorry as misquoted hurriedly the Haredic as perhaps being Hasidic yet it is not that big a faux pas as the Haredic and Hasidic are often thought of as going together.
-anon.s'il Hashem;
merci thank you.
Df on August 8, 2011 at 11:45 am (Reply)
This was a pretty balanced article. But a couple of points are in order.

1. It is very true that ex-Charedim see their past religious life as richer than liberal Jewish alternatives, and are off-put by the ignorance they see in those alternatives. But you forget one other additional, and simpler, fact: there are very few men, period, in the liberal denominations. Reform has been dominated by women for a long time, and the conservatives have been sliding down that slope for almost 20 years. The majority of their seminary graduates are female, and up to 90% (by the Jewish Week's estimate) of attendance in some of these shuls are women. Since most of the ex-Charedim are men (as you note), why on earth would they want anything to do with what has become, essentially, feminist support groups structured loosely around vague notions of tikkun olam?

2. The author refers to websites, where "ex-Haredim and potential ex-Haredim exchange their stories, etc." I would not refer to the web posters as potential ex-Charedim. These are simply modern-day coffee houses (or, if you prefer, mikvahs and shvitz's) where people come to gripe. Despite the tired attempts to portray the religious as mindless followers of their rabbi or minister, the fact is religious people do think for themselves, and VERY frequently dismiss or disregard what their titular leader says. Its been going on for millenia. It doesn't mean they're in any danger of leaving the fold.

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